With loves eyes
by goolcaptain
Summary: If Ares is still up and about in the modern world then what about Cupid, Bliss, Hermes, Apollo and all the other gods XenaHercules didn't kill? Stands to reason mighty, mighty Aphrodite must still be around. And what if Ally McBealFriendsCaroline in the C


Rating PG13  
Summary; Ares is alive and well in the modern world so Aphrodite must be too. So how does she pass her time? Here's one idea…  
These characters do not belong to me but to Robert Tapert and Renaissance pictures, David E. Kelly and David E. Kelly productions/FOX and Bright , Kaufman and Crane productions through Warner Brothers studio. It contains oblique sexual and lesbian references and is unsuitable for younger children. This story is solely for free distribution on the net and is not intended for profit in any way. 

With Loves Eyes

Ally stepped into the elevator, shaking the rain droplets from her hair. Great, just great, the one day she had an appointment with the cutest guy in the universe and she had to arrive looking like something the cat had left outside because it couldn't bear to drag it in. She hurriedly started to fix herself up in the mirror, glancing at her watch in near panic. She was late and by this time Elaine would probably be straddling her client on the conference room table. He wouldn't fall for her of course, he would see through the act in a moment. Wouldn't he? After all he was man, a witty, intelligent man with big shoulders, blue, blue eyes and perfect cheekbones…  
Ally shifted uncomfortably. This was it, she realised, this was the one. She wasn't going to mess this one up, she was going to go in there and tell him like a liberated, self-confident professional woman to throw her on the floor, rip her clothes off and give her his babies.  
Or she was going to babble and throw up. One of the two.  
"Sorry sweetie, he's already married"  
She hadn't noticed the woman in the corner before. In fact she was pretty sure that the elevator had been empty when she'd stepped aboard. Yet there she was, a blonde so stunning she made Georgia look like the sister plain Jane kept locked in the attic for fear of frightening the neighbourhood children. She wore a business suit but in a manner that was somehow more cover-of-Playboy than Wall Street Week. She was loaded with more jewellery than Tiffany's, all of it in a strange seashell motif. Her voice was a cross between 'Moon River' and a $10 a minute sex line.  
"Uhh, excuse me?"  
"My boy Cupie, the client you were just getting the panties-tickle about. He's married, has been for a couple of thousand years"  
Ally blushed. If someone had pointed a gun at her head at this moment and demanded she speak she still couldn't have strung a syllable together. She decided to look in the mirror and studiously avoid eye contact with this woman who was obviously so crazy even Cage and Fish wouldn't take her case.  
"He asked me to talk to you because he says your hide is so thick his arrows can't pierce it. Although looking at you I'd say it was more like you were such a slim target he kept missing you"  
Ally's mouth dropped open. She shut it with a conscious effort and surreptitiously elbowed the emergency stop.  
"Oh look, this is my floor" She stepped out quickly without looking back. "It was nice meeting you…" The doors closed behind her "… And next time I want to be tortured I'll get a wax job you crazy freak!"  
She had her first piece of luck that day, the other elevator was already there and open. She stepped in and motioned to the woman by the buttons.  
"Eighteen, please"  
"I know, sweetie, I know exactly where you're going"  
Either she had an identical twin or Ally was losing her mind. At the moment the latter seemed a much more likely prospect.  
"You should be flattered, last time I did this was for this incredibly horny little red haired cutie, a cartoonist in New York, fell in love with her colourist. What a sourpuss he was…"  
She darted out, losing her copy of Cosmo in the door. She made it to the stairwell before looking back, relieved to find she wasn't being followed.  
"Are you A, an incurable romantic, B, young at heart, C, a wounded lovebird?" She stood at the top of the flight, airily ticking off the magazines' quiz.  
"How about D, a barking loon?" asked Ally. She closed her eyes and counted to ten. She opened them with the reluctance she normally reserved for her credit card bill. Yes, she was still there, idly filing her nails with this month's free gift.  
"Oh well, back to the medication" she thought, "At least Al Green never insulted me".  
"You ready?"  
"Who…what are you?"  
"Who? So many names. I've been toying with Venus lately but you can call me Aphrodite. What am I? I'm the answer to all your prayers Ally, I'm here to find you true love"  
"You don't run a dating agency do you?"  
"In a manner of speaking, although you mortals have been really stingy with your offerings lately. There's Valentines' Day of course but it's so commercial now it makes me feel all groady inside"  
"You, you're the love goddess?"  
"The one and only. C'mon Ally, if you believe in unicorns the goddess of love shouldn't be a problem"  
Ally took a moment. "I'm conversing with my hallucination" she thought, slightly panicked, "And she's making sense!"  
"Are unicorns real?"  
"Oh yeah, but that's not important right now. We have your one true love to meet"  
"Billy?" A sudden dawning realisation hit her between the eyes. "Am I dead?"  
"No, wrong Olympian, that was big bro, Hades. Although now that he's dead I've no idea what happens when you pop. Still, I guess we'll all find out. At least you will, I intend to live forever"  
"That's nice for you" Ally rarely did sarcasm well but this time she succeeded admirably.  
"Listen, you little ingrate, death's a big deal when you're immortal, even with all your technology you guys only have to worry about four score years and ten"  
Ally decided it might be a bad idea to make a goddess/psycho mad. She changed the subject. "So it wasn't Billy?"  
"Zeus no. If you ask me you had a lucky escape there"  
"Thanks… I think" Ally suddenly realised they weren't in the stairwell any more. They were in the middle of the office with the normal flurry of secretaries and researchers flitting to and fro. Ling gave them a glance as she went by, puzzled by their sudden appearance. A sudden thought struck Ally.  
"It's not her is it?"  
"No, patience Sappho"  
"Oh good, because…"  
"Ally who are you talking to?"  
"Uh, Richard this is, well, she says she's…"  
"Ally, people who refer to themselves in third person are often referred to in third person by others and it's usually not complimentary. That's a Fishism. Bygones".  
"RICHARD!" Ling screeched as only she could.  
"Coming, my little bundle of junk bonds"  
Ally turned to her new companion as he walked away. "That was weird"  
"What he said?"  
"That's always weird but what I mean is he didn't even try to look down your cleavage"  
"Oh that, I'm invisible, only you can see and hear me" She watched Richard and Ling disappear into his office, raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow. "A knee pit devotee and a wattle fetishist, cupie sure can pick them".  
Ally grabbed Nell by the elbow as she strutted past. "Nell, can you see who's beside me?"  
"Why of course I can, Ally"

Nell sounded condescending but what was new?. Ally breathed an audible sigh of relief. "Good, that means they're crazy and I'm not"  
Nell put her hand out into empty space and mimed shaking hands. "How do you do, Harvey?"  
"Tell me she marries a wife beating alcoholic" she asked Aphrodite as Nell pranced away.  
"With VD" 'Dite assured her. "Eventually she founds a woman's refuge and marries the janitor. They have the cutest kids".  
Ally laughed out loud "I'm standing here in the middle of the office, talking to myself and everyone is staring at me. If you'll excuse me I have to phone Tracey, right now".  
She made for her office but was waylaid by Elaine and Mr Wonderful. She wondered if you could get drool stains out of thousand dollar Italian suits.  
"Don't worry Ally, I've been keeping him entertained". Elaine hung on his arm like a wolf to a deer's leg. Ally decided two things. One was that Elaine was a wanton slut, the other that she was jealous of her. She gave Mr Edible her best come hither glance and he returned it with a smile that sent her weak at the knees.  
Then he winked.  
Not at her, at the illusion at her side. Mr Jumpable was winking at the product of her unconscious mind.  
"He can see you!" she whispered conspiratorially.  
"That's my boy!" she guided Ally unresisting over to the unisex. "This is it"  
"This is what?"  
"On the other side of this door is the love of your life"  
"In the bathroom?"  
"Hey, the banks of the Seine, the top of the Empire State, they've all been done. This is the nineties you know"  
"Actually this is the year 2001"  
"You mortals and your arbitrary time measurements. Anyway, the love of your life…"  
Mark came out.  
"Oh god no! Not Mark!" exclaimed Ally, horrified.  
"Yes, it's me, Ally" replied a terrified Mark, moving slowly in the direction of away. Ally watched him walk away, breaking into run after the first ten yards. She turned pleadingly to Aphrodite.  
"Relax Toots, it's not him" she reassured her, ushering her inside. "In fact, he's gay"  
"I always suspected…"  
"Suspected what Ally?" asked Georgia exiting a cubicle.  
Ally was struck dumb. She threw 'Dite a glance and was rewarded with a grin and shake of blonde hair. "N…Nothing Georgia"  
"Guess you've run out of reasons to platonically kiss all the women around here" observed Aphrodite as Georgia left. "I knew a girl like you once, it was always, 'Oh this is just mouth to mouth resuscitation', or 'I'm hiding from my enemies under the water of a hot tub' or 'I'm in the land of illusion'. More denial than the Cairo delta, I tell you"  
"It's not Renee is it?"  
"Would you be disappointed if it was?"  
"Well, no. Not really".  
The toilet flushed.  
He did the perfect dismount. It was lithe, it was agile, it had grace and style. He landed with aplomb at Ally's feet and was eye to eye with her before he realised she was there. "Hello Ally, "he remarked with surprise.  
"It's…"  
"I know" Ally didn't need to let Aphrodite finish. The truth was right there in front of her. It always had been.  
"Know what Ally?"  
"Time to bite the biscuit" she thought and kissed him. Kissed him so hard it hurt. Time seemed to slow as they took their moment together. Eventually she came up for air.  
"John?"  
"Y-Y-Y-Yes Ally?"  
"We're not calling any of our kids after Richard"  
He considered for a second. "Can we have Barry White at our wedding?"  
"Sure"  
They kissed again. Cupid appeared by his mother, still clad in his elegantly tailored suit. He shook his head in admiration.  
"Respect, mom. I just don't know how you do it"  
She gazed at the soulmates and smiled a smile that gladdened the world. She pointed to herself with a perfectly manicured index finger.  
"Because I'm the LOVE goddess, baby. L, O, V, E goddess!"

"She can't love me. If she does, what's wrong with her? Apart from the whole control freak thing I mean. What if she only sees me as a project to reform and then discards me when she's finished? What if I end up a lonely, drunken old man scaring the neighbourhood kids with my snake connection? What if I end up with Janice? Will Janice even take me back? What if she preferred Ross? Christ, I'm paranoid. Who wants to end up with a paranoid? God, how I loathe myself! I've got to finish with her before she finishes with me, that's the only way!"  
"Mr Bing?"  
"Wha…wha..what?" It was his new secretary, the one who looked like a blonde Wonder Woman before she did her twirly thing. Chandler forgot about his inadequacies and concentrated on her chest.  
"She didn't prefer Ross, who could?"  
"What?"  
She took off her glasses and perched herself on the edge of his desk. Chandler had had this dream before but this time something was different.  
"You're going to be with Monica, stud. The love goddess has decreed it"  
"I …" it occurred to Chandler they weren't in Kansas anymore. Nor were they in his office. Their surroundings looked suspiciously like Monica's apartment, a suspicion confirmed by the presence of numerous coasters. Monica's voice rang out from her bedroom. "Rach, is that you?"  
Chandler did his best impression of a rabbit caught in the headlights but 'Dite was having none of it. She pushed him towards Monica.  
"Come on, loverboy, the love goddess is on the clock here!"


End file.
